trauma and resolve

i will never be weak again
i may cry behind the scenes
but i am fierce, and vicious
i would kill you if you ever tried to harm me again

on reflections

"i don't think i've ever had a healthy sexual relationship in my life."

i read this on a friend's facebook status and immediately felt it resonate, and it embarrassed me, because it was true for me too.

am i ashamed to say that i equated sex with love?  that i still do?  yes, i am, and i want to cry.  i want to cry because i feel pathetic and small and dirty.

so very, very small.

and all that passion that i had previously, i feel it dwindling because i am disgusted and embarrassed with myself.  i feel my skin crawling.  i feel the heat burning.  i feel the impulse and the urge run through me and i feel as if it is uncontrollable.

i want to crumble into myself.  it's not as if i want to be like this.  all i ever wanted was to be love and accepted completely, to be whole as a person if not emotionally than at least physically.  i craved that warmth and that touch and i wanted it as much as i could.

i am not a healthy person.

but i see someone i love, and i want them inside me.  i want them to comfort me.  i want to be the one they fall into and whisper sweet things and trust with secret thoughts.  i thought that was love.

maybe it is.

maybe it isn't.

i'm still disgusted with myself.