slogging through almost romances

it's been so many years since i've touched this blog.  back then i was just a teenager who wanted a place to vent and angst, and now that i'm a full-fledged adult woman... i still want the same.

to be honest, i hadn't known i would make it this far.  life seemed so bleak back then and i routinely fantasized about having an "easy exit."  i always felt alone and unneeded, and i thought that if i passed, then maybe all that suffering would finally come to an end.

it would, of course, but so would all the few rays of joy.

my friends.  my best friends. 

i wanted to continue smiling around them.  i thought that i could trust them with my life.

a couple here and there took advantage of that—all men, but i promised myself not to hate the rest of them for that.

T broke my heart sincerely.  at 18, i had no idea how to handle the loss of my first kiss and my innocence.   before it happened, i felt like maybe i could really fall in love with him.  i was about to, actually... and then he. just. did it. 

and then he left.  

an ocean away, with me all alone on the shore.  used, and played with—even if he had gotten angry that i said that.  

he said he loved me but if he did, then why would be do something and ruin me for so many years?

he was my best friend and i had no idea how to make it without him.  i went to therapy to try and recover.  i cried rivers of tears and then i... made my first mistake.

found a real lover.  i think i loved him.  its hard to remember, but it wasn't right, because i cried all the time with him too.  

he didn't understand me and he didn't like me as a person.  he only loved my face and my kindness.

so i left.  

i felt good about myself for a while, but i was lonely.  most of my friends were so far away, and my family was the cause of so much distress.  this turmoil, i think, is what lead me to E. 

E was the worst thing that could have happened to me.

in hindsight he was pure evil.  i was scared of him.  for two years, i lost my identity, until i found the strength to calculate a safe way out. 

most people wish the best for their ex, but i wish him worst.  for what he's done to me, i don't care—i hope he drops dead.

in any case, how i found the strength to leave E was by meeting T2.  

T2 is one of the most tender human beings i have ever met.  i know i fell in love with him.   nothing ever progressed in a way a typical romance does, but i am grateful for and will always remember the one night we were able to laugh and talk and stroll the city.  the memory of it and all its sweetness could make me cry still.  i don't think he'll ever know how important he was to me in that moment in time... it made me realize that i deserved better and could readily achieve so—even if not with him.  

i guess it was an unrequited love, but i never confessed.  we are still friends and i will always treasure him.

to nurse this impossibility, i ended up rolling into bed with E2.  i want to say that it was an attempt to empower myself and take back my body (emotions, i guess, already went to T2) but also it was just a way to forget.

E2 was odd.  he was so similar to E but without the brutality.  he was all intelligence and cunning but it came with a bite.  he had demons i could spot from a mile a way and wanted no part in—i kept a distance but the relationship grew closer and closer.

despite what is said, and the limitations set beforehand... when you share a physicality, it's impossible not to grow close.  you see and hear and feel the person in all their vulnerabilities, you share an orgasm, you share your insecurities, you share your sweet talks and reassurances and you try to bury it the next morning but you're already hardwired to want more.

and more and more.

i didn't want that with E2.  i was enjoying myself and my newfound freedom over myself but i didn't want to repeat history with this type of person again—even with the personality differences here and there.  i just couldn't.  i'd be miserable.

so i left.  i vowed to stay friends, and treasure him too for helping me find confidence (what semblance of it that can be gained from something like this, i guess) and i left.

then i found H.

but that is a happier story for a happier day.