thinking

sometimes, or many times, or all the time, i overthink.  i overthink, i reminisce, and i remember–and not always for the better, at that.

sometimes the feelings creep over me, like the waves of a tide pool.  other times, they outright crash and topple me, like the waves of a tsunami.  in times like this, i realize that i tend to overflow and spill my guts out into one or more of three different avenues:

1. crying
2. crying to my friends
3. crying through my writing

i came to the conclusion today that i should–almost exclusively if i can–spill only into avenue #3.  at least that way i can identify as a suffering artist and emanate some semblance of productivity,  instead of just being an outright loser.  i'm tired of being a loser.

from the trauma that's impacted me across my life, i've found it hard to keep balance between who i am and who i should be.  for the longest time, i've felt like a burden to those around me, and to be honest... i'm continuously confused, humbled, and devastated–in waves–by the people in my life who have befriended me, betrayed me, or healed me.  i always remember this quote:

"people are much better and much worse than you'd expect, but usually not all at once."

people are multifaceted and i try to understand that.  i'm well aware that i myself am flawed and... i am not confident, because i don't understand myself.  it's not like i'm trying to be a disaster, i just don't know what to do sometimes, and i act out of an instinct for survival.

in the grand scheme of things, i try to remember that i am only 26.  relying on decent genetics to calculate this, that's only about 1/4 of my life, and in that case, i feel like its okay to be a little confused sometimes, or many times, or all the time.  it's not like i'm not trying to be better.

...

well, i guess i really wasn't in the last couple months.  i think i've found some peace and happiness, but with it came a mixture of laziness, compliance, and indulgence.  right now, there are six different problems:

1. my "harmless" drug habit
2. my overeating
3. my lack of sleep
4. my lack of writing
5. my overwork
6. my negativity

these are all my problems borne out of no one but me.  i'm trying to pound that into myself now and be unyielding in my determination to change, TODAY.  and then tomorrow, and the day after that, and the day after that...

1. to my "harmless" drug habit – i will stop.  the sad part is that i am not addicted physically, but lean on this habit mentally, to avoid crying via avenues #1 and #2.
2. to my overeating – no more eating after 7:00 PM.  lots of water, veggies and fruits, cut down on the starch and meat, processed foods.  balance this out with exercise, be able to dress like a whore again and feel wonderful doing it.
3. to my lack of sleep – i have to close my eyes before 12:00 AM
4. to my lack of writing – i used to read and write everyday.  i love it.  i still love it.  i need to stop getting distracted by adult worries and enjoy who i was and who i still am at the core.  i love words and i will not stop writing them.
5. my overwork – no more emails after work hours. no more working on weekends.  no more getting stressed out over the needs and wants of colleagues and bosses.  in the end, in that environment, i am replaceable... and the words i produce there are not legally mine.  i am not obligated to spend that much energy on something that i can't keep or be proud of.
6. my negativity – ^fix the above issues and approximately 80% of it will be eliminated.

life is both too short and too long and i refuse it waste it anymore.