on loneliness and want

i am the type of person who tends to fall apart when she's alone, partly because i get lost in my thoughts, and mostly because those thoughts are horrible.

i want to feel and be touched and be satisfied.  but why is it that i yearn for so much for another body?  what was it about that body that makes me want to cry?  i want and i want and i want, but i resist because i want too much.

i know that.

i know its too much to want him to pull my hair.  i know its too much to want him to slam me onto the floor.  i know its too much to want him to kiss me and lick me and slap me and take me because that should be over and done with and i am not allowed.

i resisted once and i'll resist again, however unhappily.

but i want him.

again,

and again,

and again.