some setbacks

last night, after my breakthrough, i received a new stab to the heart motivating me to move even more.

it's a combination of things both past and present–culminating in a way that made me want to fight, then die, then fight again for my happiness and my sanity.

i can't give up.  but it hurts to go on.

long story short, my current partner attempted to play-wrestle me and didn't stop when i asked, inviting on a slew of flashbacks and despair from a previous relationship.  i had a breakdown, i did my best to express myself and recover temporarily to save face, then immediately headed to bed and proceeded to cry myself quietly to sleep.

if there was ever any contest for losers, i'd win it, i'm sure.

in any case, the thought process that followed was at once both concerning and comforting.  concerning in the sense that it's messed up every angle you look at it, and comforting in the sense that the option is there, just in case i want to ruin my life again for the sake of it.

 last year, i escaped a physically and emotionally abusive relationship and found a crutch in someone else.  i had moved to a new city and wasn't ready for another commitment.

but i was lonely, and vulnerable.  and i had no friends there.

i love my friends to the moon and back, but sometimes people are too busy for FaceTime, and sometimes (most of the time) i am too ashamed and embarrassed to reveal the full details of my trauma, for fear of concerning or disappointing them again.  i had already made dumb decisions before, and i wanted to show that i could at least bear some of it on my own as i should.

with that loneliness and vulnerability, i thought that i just needed a distraction.  i met E2, and he was looking for the same... and so a strange camaraderie developed, peppered with intense intimacy and words of comfort in the dark.

i would come upset and silent for nothing he had done, and to my surprise every time, he would ask what was wrong and told me that he cared.  at the time, i really think he meant it.  i knew we didn't love each other but in my heart of hearts i believed that we were friends.

i know friends don't fuck each other, but we're both messed up people.

i alluded to, then confided to him my past despairs.  no one can help me but myself, so even if he wasn't entirely "helpful" after the revelations, the tenderness he did give me helped save me from outright killing myself.  at the time, my demonic ex was still actively searching for a way back into my life, so having E2 there as a protective figure, in my mind was more than enough.

he was someone that i could concern but not disappoint, and i needed that badly.

when my ex finally disappeared for good, i broke things off peacefully with E2 and found my current partner... and then in the merry-go-round of plot twists that is my life, E2 decided to assault me.

then he apologized, asking for forgiveness.  we haven't spoken since on orders of my current partner, which i know is reasonable given what had transpired.

but last night, when my partner induced these flashbacks and offered little to no support or apology on his own incentive, i went to bed crying and wished that i could confide in E2 again.

its messed up because this was a man that helped me emotionally through an abusive relationship, then assaulted me while in my current relationship...

then in my current relationship, this was a man that triggered emotions from an abusive relationship and offered only some muttered sorries with eyes glued to the television.

it made me remember an recents instance in which we exchanged reasons for why we loved each other.  to him, i gave the reasons as his humor, his patience, and his honesty.  to me, he gave the reason as my "cute" face–noting that this was his favorite feature.

the only feature?

so when i am who i am, trauma and all, i am no longer desirable or deserving of comfort?

it hurts my heart and i have no one to turn to.  in the end i am all by myself.

but that makes me want to fight for more...

even if i fail, i swear i'll go down fighting.  i have a respectable career,  apparently pleasant looks, and  friends i can finally break to if i choose to swallow my pride on these matters... so even though i still feel like a loser, i know i'm not completely disadvantaged.

in that sense, i can continue to fight for my own happiness and i will.  life will always be difficult and heartbreaking, but the biggest battle always happens on my own mental plains.

i don't need a therapist and i can do this by myself. i know i can.

last night, despite everything, i stayed sober.  i woke up early in the morning, i put on exercise clothes and ran for 40 minutes, then came back home to shower, get dressed, and make lunch for work.

so even though im crying as i type this on my lunch break... i'm going to stay, complete all my projects, come home, continue taking care of myself, and hope that tomorrow is a little brighter and better.

everything will be okay.