wonder

what is it about you?

what did i like?

days ago, i had a dream, not a nightmare, that i was with you again, in what was morally the worst possible way - a parody of a clandestine encounter.

it was night time, right after work.  in real life, i've been growing lonely with no network around me, and mournful that i was not allowed to see you anymore... even if it was for a good reason.

i was waiting for you.  you rang the doorbell and i ran over, opening the door to embrace you, give you a kiss on the lips once again.

i had wanted it so badly i could cry.

we fumbled to close the door behind us as we continued to kiss.  the house was warm; i had the heat on.  we got warmer and warmer.  we tumbled into bed.

i wanted it.  i enjoyed it.

but in my dreams, i watched out for the sound of his car coming home.

it was bad.  in my dreams, i knew it was bad, but i kept on going because something in me had craved it for weeks, months - and i couldn't bear the thought of it turning to years.

i missed you, despite everything.

so i betrayed him.

and in my dreams, i was so happy... when the sound of his footsteps could be heard from the bedroom window, i thought "this is it," and that it was ok.  whatever the fallout, because i wanted you.

you, and your heat, and your touch, and your passion, and your strength - around my neck, in my mouth, inside me - i missed being filled like that and its stupid but i've never been a good person at heart.

i just control myself.  and i know i am not a good person.  i'm reminded of it every time i yearn for you; i'm reminded of it every time i control myself so unhappily.

in my dreams, we came to a climax, and i fell asleep feeling like this was alright.

when i woke up, i wanted to cry.  because it wasn't real.

but also because i enjoyed it, and i shouldn't have, and logically this was for the better because you were not right for me.

right?