i am the type of person who tends to fall apart when she's alone, partly because i get lost in my thoughts, and mostly because those thoughts are horrible.
i want to feel and be touched and be satisfied. but why is it that i yearn for so much for another body? what was it about that body that makes me want to cry? i want and i want and i want, but i resist because i want too much.
i know that.
i know its too much to want him to pull my hair. i know its too much to want him to slam me onto the floor. i know its too much to want him to kiss me and lick me and slap me and take me because that should be over and done with and i am not allowed.
i resisted once and i'll resist again, however unhappily.
but i want him.
again,
and again,
and again.
Thursday, October 31, 2019
Wednesday, October 23, 2019
some setbacks
last night, after my breakthrough, i received a new stab to the heart motivating me to move even more.
it's a combination of things both past and present–culminating in a way that made me want to fight, then die, then fight again for my happiness and my sanity.
i can't give up. but it hurts to go on.
long story short, my current partner attempted to play-wrestle me and didn't stop when i asked, inviting on a slew of flashbacks and despair from a previous relationship. i had a breakdown, i did my best to express myself and recover temporarily to save face, then immediately headed to bed and proceeded to cry myself quietly to sleep.
if there was ever any contest for losers, i'd win it, i'm sure.
in any case, the thought process that followed was at once both concerning and comforting. concerning in the sense that it's messed up every angle you look at it, and comforting in the sense that the option is there, just in case i want to ruin my life again for the sake of it.
last year, i escaped a physically and emotionally abusive relationship and found a crutch in someone else. i had moved to a new city and wasn't ready for another commitment.
but i was lonely, and vulnerable. and i had no friends there.
i love my friends to the moon and back, but sometimes people are too busy for FaceTime, and sometimes (most of the time) i am too ashamed and embarrassed to reveal the full details of my trauma, for fear of concerning or disappointing them again. i had already made dumb decisions before, and i wanted to show that i could at least bear some of it on my own as i should.
with that loneliness and vulnerability, i thought that i just needed a distraction. i met E2, and he was looking for the same... and so a strange camaraderie developed, peppered with intense intimacy and words of comfort in the dark.
i would come upset and silent for nothing he had done, and to my surprise every time, he would ask what was wrong and told me that he cared. at the time, i really think he meant it. i knew we didn't love each other but in my heart of hearts i believed that we were friends.
i know friends don't fuck each other, but we're both messed up people.
i alluded to, then confided to him my past despairs. no one can help me but myself, so even if he wasn't entirely "helpful" after the revelations, the tenderness he did give me helped save me from outright killing myself. at the time, my demonic ex was still actively searching for a way back into my life, so having E2 there as a protective figure, in my mind was more than enough.
he was someone that i could concern but not disappoint, and i needed that badly.
when my ex finally disappeared for good, i broke things off peacefully with E2 and found my current partner... and then in the merry-go-round of plot twists that is my life, E2 decided to assault me.
then he apologized, asking for forgiveness. we haven't spoken since on orders of my current partner, which i know is reasonable given what had transpired.
but last night, when my partner induced these flashbacks and offered little to no support or apology on his own incentive, i went to bed crying and wished that i could confide in E2 again.
its messed up because this was a man that helped me emotionally through an abusive relationship, then assaulted me while in my current relationship...
then in my current relationship, this was a man that triggered emotions from an abusive relationship and offered only some muttered sorries with eyes glued to the television.
it made me remember an recents instance in which we exchanged reasons for why we loved each other. to him, i gave the reasons as his humor, his patience, and his honesty. to me, he gave the reason as my "cute" face–noting that this was his favorite feature.
the only feature?
so when i am who i am, trauma and all, i am no longer desirable or deserving of comfort?
it hurts my heart and i have no one to turn to. in the end i am all by myself.
but that makes me want to fight for more...
even if i fail, i swear i'll go down fighting. i have a respectable career, apparently pleasant looks, and friends i can finally break to if i choose to swallow my pride on these matters... so even though i still feel like a loser, i know i'm not completely disadvantaged.
in that sense, i can continue to fight for my own happiness and i will. life will always be difficult and heartbreaking, but the biggest battle always happens on my own mental plains.
i don't need a therapist and i can do this by myself. i know i can.
last night, despite everything, i stayed sober. i woke up early in the morning, i put on exercise clothes and ran for 40 minutes, then came back home to shower, get dressed, and make lunch for work.
so even though im crying as i type this on my lunch break... i'm going to stay, complete all my projects, come home, continue taking care of myself, and hope that tomorrow is a little brighter and better.
everything will be okay.
it's a combination of things both past and present–culminating in a way that made me want to fight, then die, then fight again for my happiness and my sanity.
i can't give up. but it hurts to go on.
long story short, my current partner attempted to play-wrestle me and didn't stop when i asked, inviting on a slew of flashbacks and despair from a previous relationship. i had a breakdown, i did my best to express myself and recover temporarily to save face, then immediately headed to bed and proceeded to cry myself quietly to sleep.
if there was ever any contest for losers, i'd win it, i'm sure.
in any case, the thought process that followed was at once both concerning and comforting. concerning in the sense that it's messed up every angle you look at it, and comforting in the sense that the option is there, just in case i want to ruin my life again for the sake of it.
last year, i escaped a physically and emotionally abusive relationship and found a crutch in someone else. i had moved to a new city and wasn't ready for another commitment.
but i was lonely, and vulnerable. and i had no friends there.
i love my friends to the moon and back, but sometimes people are too busy for FaceTime, and sometimes (most of the time) i am too ashamed and embarrassed to reveal the full details of my trauma, for fear of concerning or disappointing them again. i had already made dumb decisions before, and i wanted to show that i could at least bear some of it on my own as i should.
with that loneliness and vulnerability, i thought that i just needed a distraction. i met E2, and he was looking for the same... and so a strange camaraderie developed, peppered with intense intimacy and words of comfort in the dark.
i would come upset and silent for nothing he had done, and to my surprise every time, he would ask what was wrong and told me that he cared. at the time, i really think he meant it. i knew we didn't love each other but in my heart of hearts i believed that we were friends.
i know friends don't fuck each other, but we're both messed up people.
i alluded to, then confided to him my past despairs. no one can help me but myself, so even if he wasn't entirely "helpful" after the revelations, the tenderness he did give me helped save me from outright killing myself. at the time, my demonic ex was still actively searching for a way back into my life, so having E2 there as a protective figure, in my mind was more than enough.
he was someone that i could concern but not disappoint, and i needed that badly.
when my ex finally disappeared for good, i broke things off peacefully with E2 and found my current partner... and then in the merry-go-round of plot twists that is my life, E2 decided to assault me.
then he apologized, asking for forgiveness. we haven't spoken since on orders of my current partner, which i know is reasonable given what had transpired.
but last night, when my partner induced these flashbacks and offered little to no support or apology on his own incentive, i went to bed crying and wished that i could confide in E2 again.
its messed up because this was a man that helped me emotionally through an abusive relationship, then assaulted me while in my current relationship...
then in my current relationship, this was a man that triggered emotions from an abusive relationship and offered only some muttered sorries with eyes glued to the television.
it made me remember an recents instance in which we exchanged reasons for why we loved each other. to him, i gave the reasons as his humor, his patience, and his honesty. to me, he gave the reason as my "cute" face–noting that this was his favorite feature.
the only feature?
so when i am who i am, trauma and all, i am no longer desirable or deserving of comfort?
it hurts my heart and i have no one to turn to. in the end i am all by myself.
but that makes me want to fight for more...
even if i fail, i swear i'll go down fighting. i have a respectable career, apparently pleasant looks, and friends i can finally break to if i choose to swallow my pride on these matters... so even though i still feel like a loser, i know i'm not completely disadvantaged.
in that sense, i can continue to fight for my own happiness and i will. life will always be difficult and heartbreaking, but the biggest battle always happens on my own mental plains.
i don't need a therapist and i can do this by myself. i know i can.
last night, despite everything, i stayed sober. i woke up early in the morning, i put on exercise clothes and ran for 40 minutes, then came back home to shower, get dressed, and make lunch for work.
so even though im crying as i type this on my lunch break... i'm going to stay, complete all my projects, come home, continue taking care of myself, and hope that tomorrow is a little brighter and better.
everything will be okay.
Tuesday, October 22, 2019
thinking
sometimes, or many times, or all the time, i overthink. i overthink, i reminisce, and i remember–and not always for the better, at that.
sometimes the feelings creep over me, like the waves of a tide pool. other times, they outright crash and topple me, like the waves of a tsunami. in times like this, i realize that i tend to overflow and spill my guts out into one or more of three different avenues:
1. crying
2. crying to my friends
3. crying through my writing
i came to the conclusion today that i should–almost exclusively if i can–spill only into avenue #3. at least that way i can identify as a suffering artist and emanate some semblance of productivity, instead of just being an outright loser. i'm tired of being a loser.
from the trauma that's impacted me across my life, i've found it hard to keep balance between who i am and who i should be. for the longest time, i've felt like a burden to those around me, and to be honest... i'm continuously confused, humbled, and devastated–in waves–by the people in my life who have befriended me, betrayed me, or healed me. i always remember this quote:
"people are much better and much worse than you'd expect, but usually not all at once."
people are multifaceted and i try to understand that. i'm well aware that i myself am flawed and... i am not confident, because i don't understand myself. it's not like i'm trying to be a disaster, i just don't know what to do sometimes, and i act out of an instinct for survival.
in the grand scheme of things, i try to remember that i am only 26. relying on decent genetics to calculate this, that's only about 1/4 of my life, and in that case, i feel like its okay to be a little confused sometimes, or many times, or all the time. it's not like i'm not trying to be better.
...
well, i guess i really wasn't in the last couple months. i think i've found some peace and happiness, but with it came a mixture of laziness, compliance, and indulgence. right now, there are six different problems:
1. my "harmless" drug habit
2. my overeating
3. my lack of sleep
4. my lack of writing
5. my overwork
6. my negativity
these are all my problems borne out of no one but me. i'm trying to pound that into myself now and be unyielding in my determination to change, TODAY. and then tomorrow, and the day after that, and the day after that...
1. to my "harmless" drug habit – i will stop. the sad part is that i am not addicted physically, but lean on this habit mentally, to avoid crying via avenues #1 and #2.
2. to my overeating – no more eating after 7:00 PM. lots of water, veggies and fruits, cut down on the starch and meat, processed foods. balance this out with exercise, be able to dress like a whore again and feel wonderful doing it.
3. to my lack of sleep – i have to close my eyes before 12:00 AM
4. to my lack of writing – i used to read and write everyday. i love it. i still love it. i need to stop getting distracted by adult worries and enjoy who i was and who i still am at the core. i love words and i will not stop writing them.
5. my overwork – no more emails after work hours. no more working on weekends. no more getting stressed out over the needs and wants of colleagues and bosses. in the end, in that environment, i am replaceable... and the words i produce there are not legally mine. i am not obligated to spend that much energy on something that i can't keep or be proud of.
6. my negativity – ^fix the above issues and approximately 80% of it will be eliminated.
life is both too short and too long and i refuse it waste it anymore.
sometimes the feelings creep over me, like the waves of a tide pool. other times, they outright crash and topple me, like the waves of a tsunami. in times like this, i realize that i tend to overflow and spill my guts out into one or more of three different avenues:
1. crying
2. crying to my friends
3. crying through my writing
i came to the conclusion today that i should–almost exclusively if i can–spill only into avenue #3. at least that way i can identify as a suffering artist and emanate some semblance of productivity, instead of just being an outright loser. i'm tired of being a loser.
from the trauma that's impacted me across my life, i've found it hard to keep balance between who i am and who i should be. for the longest time, i've felt like a burden to those around me, and to be honest... i'm continuously confused, humbled, and devastated–in waves–by the people in my life who have befriended me, betrayed me, or healed me. i always remember this quote:
"people are much better and much worse than you'd expect, but usually not all at once."
people are multifaceted and i try to understand that. i'm well aware that i myself am flawed and... i am not confident, because i don't understand myself. it's not like i'm trying to be a disaster, i just don't know what to do sometimes, and i act out of an instinct for survival.
in the grand scheme of things, i try to remember that i am only 26. relying on decent genetics to calculate this, that's only about 1/4 of my life, and in that case, i feel like its okay to be a little confused sometimes, or many times, or all the time. it's not like i'm not trying to be better.
...
well, i guess i really wasn't in the last couple months. i think i've found some peace and happiness, but with it came a mixture of laziness, compliance, and indulgence. right now, there are six different problems:
1. my "harmless" drug habit
2. my overeating
3. my lack of sleep
4. my lack of writing
5. my overwork
6. my negativity
these are all my problems borne out of no one but me. i'm trying to pound that into myself now and be unyielding in my determination to change, TODAY. and then tomorrow, and the day after that, and the day after that...
1. to my "harmless" drug habit – i will stop. the sad part is that i am not addicted physically, but lean on this habit mentally, to avoid crying via avenues #1 and #2.
2. to my overeating – no more eating after 7:00 PM. lots of water, veggies and fruits, cut down on the starch and meat, processed foods. balance this out with exercise, be able to dress like a whore again and feel wonderful doing it.
3. to my lack of sleep – i have to close my eyes before 12:00 AM
4. to my lack of writing – i used to read and write everyday. i love it. i still love it. i need to stop getting distracted by adult worries and enjoy who i was and who i still am at the core. i love words and i will not stop writing them.
5. my overwork – no more emails after work hours. no more working on weekends. no more getting stressed out over the needs and wants of colleagues and bosses. in the end, in that environment, i am replaceable... and the words i produce there are not legally mine. i am not obligated to spend that much energy on something that i can't keep or be proud of.
6. my negativity – ^fix the above issues and approximately 80% of it will be eliminated.
life is both too short and too long and i refuse it waste it anymore.
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